Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here.
Dear Care and Feeding,
My wife and I have a 14-year-old daughter, “Lylah.” Lylah had a school project for her science class back in February. Unfortunately, she didn’t put much effort into it, and got a bad grade as a result. Her teacher, “Mrs. Krabappel,” generously allowed her the option of re-doing it. Lylah did, but had to spend her spring break working on it, which she was very annoyed with.
The other day my wife received a phone call from the mom of Lylah’s friend, “Charity,” with a disturbing revelation: There is a rumor circulating around the school that Mrs. Krabappel only got hired because she’s sleeping with the entire school board, and Lylah is the one who started it! We were horrified, and Lylah is being punished by being made to forgo the upcoming dance at her school and will be grounded for the rest of the school year. The thing is, Mrs. Krabappel doesn’t know the rumor originated with our daughter. Do we make Lylah apologize to her teacher, or should we keep this to ourselves to spare her the pain of knowing it was one of her students?
—Dad of a Malicious Middle Schooler
Dear Malicious Mid,
I have bad news for you: If Charity’s mom knows about your daughter starting a rumor, Mrs. Krabappel either knows already or will find out by the time you read this. Spreading the truth about who started a rumor is almost as fun as spreading the rumor itself—and has arguably fewer karmic effects. The truth is coming out. You can either get ahead of it or spend a bunch of time being anxious about who knows what and when they’re going to confront you. I wouldn’t worry about Ms. Krabappel’s pain “knowing it was one of her students,” either. Only a middle-schooler would make up a rumor about a teacher sleeping with the entire school board.
Be the bigger person and fess up. Have Lylah write a genuine apology. Lylah’s letter should explain why she started the rumor and her regrets for the mistake without excuses. It will be interesting to see how she explains her actions and if she understands why she did the thing that she did. It’s quite possible she doesn’t. The teenage brain is mysterious and not the best at self control in emotional contexts. But being impulsive because of your half-baked prefrontal cortex and being vengeful about a bad spring break seem like two different things. (I am not a doctor.)
If Mrs. Krabappel is a professional and has been dealing with middle schoolers for a few years, she might take it in stride. Then again, be prepared for the fall out. Lylah made her bed and will need to lay in it. And, like I said, I don’t think there’s any way to hide this now that the truth is out there.
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Dear Care and Feeding,
My husband and I have two boys, “Parker,” 8, and “Chandler,” 4. The kids share a room, and within the last couple of months, Chandler has developed a fear of the dark. We’ve put in a nightlight which helped Chandler, but then Parker began complaining it was too bright to sleep. He waits until his brother falls asleep and then unplugs it. The result is my husband and me waking up to our younger son’s screams when he wakes up and finds the light off. Now Parker has taken to sleeping on the couch in the family room. Is there some way to accommodate both of them so Chandler doesn’t get freaked out and Parker can get some rest without being put out of their room?
—Sleep Standoff
Dear Sleep Standoff,
How bright is this night light?! I’m one of those people that goes around a hotel room with a roll of electrical tape covering up every little blinking red and blue light so that I can get a good night’s sleep. I stand with Parker in that I, like many others, cannot get a good night’s sleep if there are lights on. Luckily, there’s a two word solution: sleep mask.
Get Parker a kick-ass sleep mask. He can help pick it and a few backups out. The fact that Parker is sleeping on the couch is actually a good sign. It means that he cares about Chandler’s feelings and doesn’t want him to wake up and be scared (or it means that you scolded him and he listened). I’d count that as a win. Now you need to convince Parker that he’ll get a much better night’s sleep in a bed. He needs to accept that Chandler is half his age and is going to have a night-light on. You might even get a mask for Chandler at the same time. He can get used to it being dark, but know he can just lift it up to make it light whenever he wants.
Also, don’t forget to wash those eye masks regularly. Eye crusties are gross.
—Greg
More Parenting Advice From Slate
My daughter, age 3 ½, has suddenly become afraid of the usual cabal of monsters/the dark/her room/going to bed in general. We just welcomed a new baby into the family five weeks ago, and although I’m sure she is genuinely experiencing some typical toddler fears, my husband and I are also pretty sure she’s milking this for attention. How do we (lovingly) convince her she’s safe and needs to go to sleep? We just can’t spend two-plus exhausting hours dealing with tears and negotiating every night!