Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here.

My husband “Jack” and I have been trying to have children for the last five years. We’ve been through a fortune in IVF and dealt with eight miscarriages. Our fertility team has told us the only option at this point is surrogacy. Except we can’t afford it. We have five embryos left and our only hope now is Jack’s sister “Brandi.” She is within the age limit for surrogacy and already has a 4-year-old (the fertility clinic said a surrogate has to have already experienced at least one pregnancy). But she is refusing to do it for a completely irrational, selfish reason.

Brandi says that because the embryos were fertilized with her brother’s sperm, “it would be like incest” to carry them and the prospect freaks her out. This is insane! It’s not like they would have had sex! What can we do to get her to see how unreasonable she’s being?

—Desperate

Dear Desperate,

You need to check yourself. From what I understand, carrying a baby is non-trivial and, as the potentially pregnant person, Brandi gets to make WHATEVER FUCKING RULES SHE WANTS! If Brandi says she doesn’t want to be pregnant with her brother’s baby, that’s a fine reason. Guess what else is? Literally any other reason. Take a step back and think about what you’re asking of her. Refusing surrogacy is not “selfish.” There are literally hundreds of things that can go wrong in pregnancy. Yes, many of those risks are less likely because Brandi already successfully carried a child, but at the same time Brandi gets to make whatever fucking rules she wants!

This isn’t to say you don’t deserve sympathy. You are, as your letter says, desperate. You and Jack have been through emotional turmoil and financial stress that could break anyone. Your letter hints that it might have broken you. Talk to a therapist. Do not take your desperation out on Brandi. If you blame Brandi for your lack of children, you might lose your relationship with her and her child, too. Instead of blaming Brandi, find comfort in your relationship with her and try to be the best aunt and uncle that Brandi’s kid could ever ask for.

—Greg

More Parenting Advice From Slate

My twin sister, “Lavender,” and her husband, “Will,” have put me in an impossible position. My sister and I are 28, and she and her husband have spent the last three years trying to conceive. At 24, she underwent treatment for cervical cancer, and it appears the effects have left it unlikely they will be successful. Lavender and Will have burned through much of their savings on IVF treatments and their combined salaries barely cover their expenses in their high-cost area, so they cannot afford to hire a surrogate. Two months ago, Lavender approached me about becoming a surrogate for her and her husband.