Our advice columnists have heard it all over the years—so today we’re diving into the archives of Care and Feeding to share classic parenting letters with our readers. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here.
Dear Care and Feeding,
The other night while my husband was away, I had neighbors around for a glass of wine. One guest let me know she’d be bringing her toddler.
All night I was stressed by this mother’s limited supervision of the toddler: wandering everywhere, leaving food around the house (we recently had a mouse problem and are sensitive to cleanliness), dipping fingers into lit candles then wiping wet wax on my wooden table, pulling out my darling husband’s Lego sets and opening their boxes. I noticed a small but sentimental item was broken but didn’t say anything at the time.
Everyone was delighted and encouraging with the sweet child but me.
Mom ate like a horse and then left a mess with everything on the table when she excused herself to return to her husband at home, who had prepared dinner. I felt stressed, unsure about realistic hosting expectations, and unappreciated by my guest. How can I do this better next time—if at all? What would be good boundaries for me with someone else’s child in my home?
—Toddler Fingers Everywhere
Dear TFE,
Oh, good gravy, how unpleasant. You generally do not have to painstakingly childproof your home for someone else’s child, especially if the child has not been invited and merely appears like an oddly-sticky Ghost of Christmas Future on your doorstep. If you do know a toddler is coming to an adult event (it sounds like you had some advance warning), simple common sense does suggest a five-minute dash to move breakables off grabbing-level and immobilize your Ball python. That’s for your own good and for the good of your liability insurance premiums.
In your case, it was silly not to expect a toddler to make a beeline for your husband’s Lego sets. They should be out of sight. (If he has a less precious Lego set that a child could, you know, play with, perhaps that one could be dragged out for visiting youths.) This was your only real boner move! It is not at all unreasonable to expect a kid’s parent to take responsibility for watching them when they are both in your home. Your neighbor acted badly, and I’m not entirely sure why she didn’t just leave her child with her husband.
Next time? My advice is not to invite your neighbor over again. You seem like you have a nice adult life filled with nice, clean adult objects (and Lego), which is a very reasonable thing for a person without children to have and to want. I have a very nice decorative table that I plan on using again one day when my children are off at that horrible cold-water Scottish boarding school we dream of sending them to. This doesn’t mean you never have to see or be friendly to this woman (or her husband) again! Meet for coffee at her place, if you enjoyed her company, or at a third party’s home. I could absolutely give you a tight little script for “Watch your own damn kid, I am not a Chuck-E-Cheese,” but it’s better to parry this one.
Your home is your castle, and good moats make for good neighbors, as Robert Frost might have said.
—Nicole Cliffe
From: I Can’t Wait for My Mom to Be a Grandma, but My Stepdad Is a Nightmare. (March 23rd, 2018).
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Dear Care and Feeding,
My younger sister has made a lot of choices in the last few years that my family has struggled with. After shocking us with a divorce, she’s now engaged to a man twice her age who’s in prison for an inappropriate relationship with a previous student (also half his age).
My sister met him at church before he went to prison, and says that he’s turned his life around and is heartbroken for his past transgressions. They plan to marry this fall.
The entire situation has been tough for our family, but I’ve worked hard to support her and love her through everything, even though she knows I don’t necessarily agree with her decisions.
The issue is how to handle this when her fiancé gets out of prison, and they get married. My husband and I live across the country and only come home a few times a year, but we have a young daughter, and I’m not comfortable with her being around a registered sex offender.
I know that my sister believes him to be a good guy, and I don’t want to be unreasonable, but I feel like I want him to be around my daughter as little as possible, and absolutely never without me present.
My sister casually mentioned that next year they could join us for our yearly family vacation, and my heart stopped. The thought of being under the same roof with that man scares me.
Am I being irrational, or is this a valid concern? I’m a Christian, and I do believe that God can change people and that everyone deserves forgiveness. But his past behavior landed him in jail, and that seems severe enough for me to create boundaries.
If my feelings are valid, how do I address this without hurting my incredibly sensitive sister?
—Conundrum
Dear Conundrum,
In an uncertain world, it’s so great to find something to be so completely certain about. And while it’s true that my colleague Nicole Cliffe already answered this, I thought it wise to circle back because I was a little worried about the fact that you were even posing this question in the first place. I wanted to give some extra backup to make absolutely sure you’re 100 percent clear on this.
The answer here is not just “no,” but super no. Super-duper no. Big time no. I’m truly all for redemption and second chances. But if a guy goes to prison for dating someone half his age and then, while there, starts dating someone else half his age, then I gotta say I’m not seeing a whole lot of progress there.
You have to tell your sister that while you wish her the best in her new relationship, you’re simply not comfortable having this guy around your kids. She may not like it, but if she’s going to be in an age-gap relationship with a man convicted of statutory rape, she’s probably going to have to get real used to people not being comfortable about it. You are under no obligation to go on a family vacation with him, and it goes without saying that there should be no cause to leave your daughter alone with him, no matter what anyone says.
I hope he has changed; I hope your sister is in a good relationship with a good and loving person. And it’s possible that he has, and she is! But it is in no way incumbent upon you to assume that he has. For your daughter’s sake, you should probably, in fact, assume he has not. You have boundaries, those boundaries are reasonable, and you should most definitely stick to them.
—Carvell Wallace
From: How Do We Explain to Our Daughter That We’re Firing Her Beloved Sitter Because She Drank on the Job? (March 27th, 2019).
Dear Care and Feeding,
Apparently, it’s well-known among the parents in our child’s circle of friends that one mother is a pill pilferer (OxyContin, Xanax). She is going through a divorce and home-schools her children. I’ve only recently become privy to this information, and I’m at a loss about what to do. Her son and my son love each other, but I don’t feel I can let my children be at her house alone. More than that, she’s a pillar in parts of our community—she is board president of a preschool and runs programs for young children. I want to help her and her children, but don’t want to get the state involved and make the children’s lives even more traumatized.
Dear CL,
For the sake of this letter I’m going to assume that the rumors of this woman’s use are valid, despite the fact that they’re just, you know, rumors. That said, there is a generous amount of space between “getting the state involved” and leaving your child alone at this woman’s house, and your plan of action lies within that space. By all means don’t send your kid to be alone with an adult you credibly believe to be on drugs. That should be pretty self-explanatory. And if you think her kids are struggling, then that’s all the more reason to make your home as much of a center of activity as you can. Sounds like they would benefit from being in an environment where the reigning adult is not going through a divorce and a pill addiction.
They need that help just as much as their mother could use some help during what is clearly a rough time. So you should make yourself available to talk with her and ask her if she needs any help. But you cannot save her or get her clean or whatever else we tend to think we can do with people who are struggling with addiction. Your letter doesn’t imply that you are laboring under these delusions, but it bears repeating anyway because it’s such a common mistake. Similarly, getting the authorities involved is in no way a guarantee that you will force a person into clean living. It’s just as likely that you will, as you point out, only be introducing new varieties of messiness. The hard truth of addiction is that you cannot solve it from the outside. The only thing you can do is be there to help people when they’re ready and protect children caught in the crossfire, to whatever extent you can. Keep your child out of there, be as supportive to her innocent children as you can, and be available, if you can, if this woman wants a sympathetic ear. But outside of that, pray for the best. Good luck.
—C.W.
From: A Neighbor Mom Is Popping Pills. What Should I Do? (May 15th, 2019).
Classic Prudie
I have been mostly happily married for 13 years. My husband and I get along really well, and I love him very much. That being said, he is not the most affectionate person anymore. We used to cuddle a lot when we were first married and I have told him how much I miss it. He says he doesn’t enjoy it because it’s too hot. He’ll make an effort to snuggle while watching TV sometimes if I ask, but I can tell while we’re doing it that he is counting the minutes until he can stop. About a month ago, I was having a very bad day at work and a male co-worker/friend told me I looked like I could use a hug.