Our advice columnists have heard it all over the years—so we’re diving into the Pay Dirt archives to share classic letters with our readers. Submit your own questions about money here. (It’s anonymous!)
Dear Pay Dirt,
My husband and I were invited to a friend’s house for dinner for takeout. I asked what to bring, and she originally said nothing, but then said a bottle of wine and a dessert. When we arrived with the dessert and two bottles of wine, she said something shocking.
She informs me that she wants us to pay for our part of the takeout! We have had them over for takeout before and never expected them to pay. In the past when we have dinner at one of our houses, the person doing the inviting provided the main course, so I was totally shocked and didn’t know what to say. This really bothers me because we consider them friends. We paid them for the food but I am really disgusted that they treated us like this. When she invited us for dinner she should have told me that she wanted us to pay and we could have declined the invitation. Any advice you can provide would be appreciated because I don’t know how to handle this.
—Shafted By Dinner Host
Dear Shafted By Dinner Host,
It was kind of messed up that she didn’t give you a heads-up and then surprised you with an unexpected charge. Especially if that had never been the case before. I wonder if they’re strapped for cash and just assumed you’d be OK with helping out. Still, I can see why you’re bothered about it.
You can wait until the next time you hang out to address this, but if you feel it’s essential to have a conversation about this sooner than later, express over the phone (not text) that the last time you hung out caught you by surprise because they didn’t tell you beforehand that you needed to pay for part of the meal. Because that’s not your usual arrangement, you can express wanting to check in on whether everything is OK and if that’s the arrangement you should expect moving forward. If she says she didn’t think it was a big deal, you can share that you just felt surprised and would like to know beforehand next time. If it happens again, then feel free to find new dinner friends.
—Athena Valentine
From: Years Later, I Still Can’t Forgive My Son For His Credit Card Frenzy. (December 29th, 2022).
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Dear Pay Dirt,
My partner and I moved into an apartment last year run by a property management company with a very negative reputation. We were coming from out of state and had no idea their reputation was that bad or we would have definitely looked elsewhere. When we moved in, there were many things in the apartment straight up broken, not up to code, and the apartment was filthy.
We spent the next few months submitting maintenance tickets and pleading for the property manager to take care of the biggest issues, and we quickly gave up on them taking care of the smaller stuff. They dragged their feet, canceled numerous tickets without taking care of the issue, and generally made our lives a living hell. We finally had to get the city code department involved to at least fix the code violations in the apartment. The whole time, we continued paying rent and tried to be as amicable as possible with the manager (who was the main offender in our poor treatment).
Fast forward to the present. We are finally moving out of the apartment at the end of the month, but have been flummoxed as to why we haven’t been approved for any of the new apartments have been applying for. We have a long and positive rental history, steady employment, and great credit scores. So we have never had an application rejected before. Come to find out the current property management company has been absolutely eviscerating us when the new landlords have been calling for a reference. They are basically saying we are problem tenants and complain about everything and citing us getting the code enforcement department involved as proof that we are terrible tenants. We could obviously explain this all away since we were 100 percent in the right to want our place to be a safe atmosphere for us, but no new landlord will give us the chance, and we haven’t found anyone who doesn’t want a reference from the current landlord.
Now we are on the verge of soon being homeless since we have no place to go once our lease is up at the end of the month, and we feel we have no legal recourse since the property management company isn’t exactly spouting all out lies (though they are manipulating the information to their benefit). We did, after all, get the city involved to make them comply with the city’s code laws. What do we do?
—Renters Are an Unprotected Class
Dear Renters,
I’m sorry you’re having such a frustrating and scary experience. Plenty of landlords rent to people without requiring current landlord references; they’re less likely to be behemoth, bureaucratic landlords.
Your best bet is to find a small landlord. If a tenant rights organization or Facebook group exists in your area, ask for recommendations for private landlords. Otherwise, ask around your networks for rent-by-owner situations—co-workers, folks you volunteer with, friends-of-friends. You might find someone looking to rent out their own home. With a private landlord, you have a chance to explain your situation. Many people find apartments without a current landlord reference: folks moving from abroad, renting after being a homeowner or living with family, and leaving institutional housing (like dorms, incarceration, or shelters). They just have to do more legwork to find landlords willing to take them on.
I’m not going to tell you to lie on your application, but I’d approach the entire apartment-search process like you’re preparing a resume. Only add information that will help you—you can leave off your current address or landlord or write n/a in that box. Consider providing contact information for your previous landlord instead of your current one. Attach additional details to explain the situation—like a letter explaining you are leaving your apartment due to a negligent landlord with documentation of your city complaints. Add in any positive documents you can:
—Other positive landlord references
—Positive employer references
—Your credit reports printed from annualcreditreport.com
—Bank statements showing on-time rental payment history
When I moved back to the U.S. in 2012, I had a challenging apartment-hunting situation: My last super (“hausmeister”) spoke only German, and my income was a research fellowship for a professor based in Cyprus. Moreover, it had been over a decade since I had a “normal” rental American reference since I’d lived in housing co-ops and communes without a landlord. Despite a great credit score, I had to get creative to find an apartment. I searched Craigslist for a small building where I could converse with the person before I turned in my information. I wrote a letter explaining that I was staying with friends after I returned from living abroad to attach to my application. Instead of providing my boss’s phone number (who was in Cyprus) for employment verification, I asked my college’s department secretary if she would inform my prospective landlord about my fellowship income. The secretary provided me with a work verification and also told my prospective landlord that she would “come down and mow the lawn myself if Lillian gets behind on rent.” The manager seemed thoroughly amused and offered me the apartment.
Bad actors like your current slumlord do force you to get creative. Landing a non-sketchy place this time will make the search process easier next time since they won’t be scorched earthing your references. And please, leave a scathing Yelp review for the property management company after you’ve found your new place.
—Lillian Karabaic
From: My Nightmarish Landlord Is Ruining My Reputation Across Town. (December 28th, 2022).
Dear Pay Dirt,
I’m 32 and recently ended the defining romantic relationship of my adult life up until now. My ex grew up well-off and has substantial familial financial support; meanwhile, I grew up working class and clawed myself into financial stability. We split expenses and while I’ve always made more money, on the balance, they have far greater resources.
In 2020, I started a pandemic-related job that paid me well, but the stress of the job led to kind-of-unchecked spending. While I ALSO used that job to create a safety net, my spending habits got way broader than they should have been, which was enabled by a cheap mortgage I shared with my ex and the ability to live within my means essentially on autopilot. I started an expensive hobby, and because I was working so many hours, spent a lot of money on takeout and other conveniences. I’m still making that income but I no longer need the conveniences as I now have a more predictable job; it’s a matter of habit changes that must happen for me to maintain financial wellness. No more takeout, goodbye to spending on hobbies without planning for it, so long subscriptions (I already canceled just about all of my non-essential subscriptions—I’ll add back in something if I really miss it).
We’re still in the process of deciding what to do with the house we own together (Do we sell or does my ex buy me out?), but in the interim, I’m moving out. In our city, it costs MUCH more on a monthly basis to rent versus own, and I will now be spending 37 percent of my income between rent and (expected) utilities. It’s doable, but I need to dramatically reign in my spending and begin saving more. I no longer have my ex to rely on if I’m in a bind. Add to that the expense of moving and replacing many of the things we previously owned together and I’m in a much worse-off position than I was a month ago. (Yes, we’re talking to a lawyer, an accountant, a realtor, and a mortgage broker about the fair distribution of assets from the house; we were never married.)
My emergency fund (about three months of income) remains intact, but I need to build back to where I was pre-breakup, and likely considerably more as I can’t rely on a partner for emergency support. I can’t expect money to come from the house for a while so it’s up to me to make good choices. But, I’m finding that I don’t know how to make these kinds of immediately necessary changes at the speed with which they must be adopted. How do I create a sense of control overnight and stop spending like I have money?
—Ex-Pensive Problems
Dear Ex-Pensive Problems,
You’re in a better position than you likely feel right now. A major breakup is, of course, going to make you feel unmoored. But you’ve got a lot going for your situation: You already recognize that your current spending can’t continue post-breakup. You have an emergency fund, even if it’s less substantial than you’ve hoped. Plus, you’re already working with your ex and the appropriate professionals to ensure you get a fair allocation of joint assets.
When your life changes dramatically, it can often be easier to make changes to your budget than if you’re stuck in the same old daily routine. You have the opportunity to build new habits in a different environment and create brand-new brain grooves. Since you want to build up your financial cushion now that you don’t have your ex to fall back on, you need to do a full audit of your finances.
Beyond knowing that you need to “spend less” on hobbies and takeout, you need to know precisely how much less. Find a quiet time to sit down and create a budget for your new life—including your new housing expenses, a category for increasing your emergency fund, and some money for the fun stuff. Getting an idea of your new baseline will help determine if you need to spend 10 percent less on the fun stuff or 80 percent less.
To create an immediate sense of control, utilize a zero-based budget where every single dollar has a job. For many people, a cash-based envelope budgeting system helps them resist overspending. (I’m the opposite, I track everything I spend on my card to the penny, but I swear dollar bills grow wings and fly out of my pocket—I use YNAB instead for my zero-based budget.) To build habits in your new environment, create an enjoyable ritual of checking in with your budget—pour yourself a nice beverage, light a candle, and check in with your budget every week or month. Regular check-ins will allow you to adjust before you get too off the tracks.
And while I’m not recommending you live like a broke college student in your 30s, finding an affordable furnished room to rent or a sublet might be a great option in the short term. It would allow you to focus on increasing your savings before drastically increasing your rent. A furnished place also will enable you to postpone replacing certain shared household items until you get your house payout. Good luck creating your new independent financial story!
—L.K.
From: My Parents Are Convinced I’m Trying To Steal From Them. … I Make Six Figures. (January 3rd, 2023).
More Money Advice From Slate
My fiancé and I (both early 30s) have lived together for several years. He is smart, funny, and a generally gregarious guy. He is in an industry where he has been making over six figures for at least six years. I, on the other hand, finally finished a doctoral program and worked a few side jobs to barely make 34K each year. Rent is high in NYC and I’ve gone into a fair bit of debt living with him and keeping up with his lifestyle. I moved to his state so he could be closer to work even though I had to commute over three hours a day for years. Now that I have a job that pays much more (but still a third of what he makes). Here is the issue: He insists we split rent evenly.