Dear Prudence is Slate’s advice column. Submit questions here.

Dear Prudence,

Yesterday, my husband and I attended a St. Patrick’s get-together at my sister “Allison’s” place. My husband overindulged, and ended up groping Allison’s SIL, and her husband decked him in response. I realize my husband did a gross thing, but wasn’t this reaction overkill?

—A Little Restraint Would Have Been Nice

Dear Little Restraint,

I don’t condone violence so I wish the guy who decked your husband would have chosen a different response. But you have to admit, this wasn’t unpredictable.

It’s probably a lot easier to think about whether Allison’s SIL’s husband behaved inappropriately, but you’re probably going to want to turn your attention to what your own husband did. It wasn’t “a gross thing.” It was sexual assault! He’s actually lucky that he was just punched and not facing charges. It sounds like his relationship with alcohol might be an issue too.

Your instinct to create a narrative in which he was treated unfairly tells me you really care about him and want to advocate for him. A much more effective way of doing that would be to try to get him some help with alcohol or whatever else may be behind his disturbing behavior.

Dear Prudence,

I would like advice on how to stop feeling guilty about my plans to move to Europe alone. Ever since I was a kid, I loved the idea of traveling the world; then in college I was lucky enough to do a study abroad trip to Europe and I loved it. Now, with everything going on in the United States, I feel it’s best for myself and my health and safety to move to Europe by way of student visa after I finish my master’s degree. However, there’s one part of that plan I can’t stop feeling guilty about.

While I don’t want to have biological kids, I consider it one of my goals in life to do my best to improve the world for the kids who did not choose to be born in such a chaotic time, and I like the idea of adopting or fostering eventually. Which leads me to my Europe plan. If all goes well, I’ll be 25 or 26 when I move, which is old enough to try to bring a child with me to help them have a better life as well. I can’t help feeling I’m shirking my moral obligations if I don’t at least try to bring a little soul with me, but I know it’ll make the logistics infinitely harder and probably push my timeline back, which I don’t feel I can afford (the time to finish my masters is already making me squirrelly!). How do I stop feeling like I’m being incredibly selfish about this?

—Better Life For … Just Me?

Dear Better Life,

Hey, you said adopting or fostering is a goal for your life, not your goal for before you hit 30. This is a beautiful and admirable plan, but not an urgent one.
Hit the brakes!

I’ll take it even further and spin this in a way that appeals to the part of you that really cares about others and may be inclined to put your hypothetical future child’s needs ahead of your own: When you’re a little more settled, you’ll have so much more to offer as a parent. Right now, you’re in the process of turning your life upside down, have no support system in Europe, and are going to soon be trying to get your footing in a strange new place. Don’t get me wrong, if you had a child now, I’m sure you would figure it out and do just fine. Plenty of people raise kids before having every single thing in place. But just think of what any child who is eligible for adoption may have endured, and remind yourself that welcoming them into your home at a time when there’s a lot of upheaval and uncertainty isn’t the best idea. While a safe and loving family is the most important thing, routine, stability, and all the extra emotional energy possible would be a nice touch.

So stick to your plan. But execute it later. Wherever you find yourself when you are in a home where you plan to stay for a while, done with your degree, and living a day-to-day that has room for a child, that will be the perfect time to welcome one into your life.

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Dear Prudence,

I have a wedding invite question. Should I live with the emotional pain of others that may come from disinviting an emotionally taxing parent to my wedding, or do I live with the frustration I feel and the emotional drain I expect to experience by letting the invitation stand?

—Conflicted

Dear Conflicted,

The former. Absolutely. If you don’t want your parent to be at your wedding, don’t invite them. I know that neither of the options you’re weighing are stress-free, but that doesn’t mean they’re equal when it comes to the effect on your mental health. The stress that comes from doing what’s right for you and the stress that comes with doing what’s right for others are very different.

I also know it’s tempting to put needs of others above your own. The Oakland, CA-based therapy and wellness practice The Connection Clinic has a blog post enumerating the reasons so many of us do this: cultural and societal expectations, fear of conflict, low self-worth, codependency, and conditioning from past experiences. I want to flag that last one because I think it might apply here. The post goes on to say: “If you’ve experienced trauma or painful relationships, you might have learned that the safest way to navigate the world is by making sure everyone else is happy, even at your own expense.” Could it be helpful to consider that your “emotionally taxing” (I have a feeling that’s an understatement) mom or dad and what they put you through is the very reason you hesitate to stand up for yourself?

What’s clear to me is that dealing with your parent’s presence at your wedding to avoid upsetting others might save you some awkward conversations or guilt trips, but the benefits will only be in the short term. The Connection Clinic post goes on to list potential consequences of putting others’ needs first, and they include burnout, exhaustion, resentment, and identity loss. “When you prioritize others for too long, you might lose sight of who you are and what you want. Your identity becomes tied to serving others rather than pursuing your own passions and goals,” it cautions.

You don’t want to do that. So choose the (unjustified, because it’s really none of their business) “emotional pain of others” and insist on the wedding you want. Because if you don’t, long after your big day is over, you’re the only one who’s going to have to live with the consequences of putting your needs on the back burner. And none of the people who have opinions on this matter will be half as invested in your emotional well-being as they are on your guest list.

By the way, it’s also fine to disinvite anyone who’s going to give you a hard time. Lower your headcount and save money while you give yourself peace and send a clear message to the whole family that their feelings don’t matter more than yours do.

Classic Prudie

When he was 18, my brother tearfully confessed that he is gay. Our parents sent him to a ‘conversion therapy’ camp. Since then, he has gone out with a series of young women and is planning on proposing to his current girlfriend. She doesn’t know that he’s gay—my brother told me he’s never told her. Should I say something to his girlfriend?

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