Our advice columnists have heard it all over the years—so today we’re diving into the archives of Care and Feeding to share classic parenting letters with our readers. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here.
Dear Care and Feeding,
I’m a dad to two boys (13 and 11), and I just divorced their mother a couple of months ago. We’re currently all still living in the same house together, but I’m going to move out at the end of the calendar year. I’m writing because I know that my ex-wife has poisoned the mind of my oldest son to the point where he barely talks to me and meanwhile gushes over his mom. It breaks my heart because I’ve been a great dad to my kids, and I would never resort to these tactics. How should I handle this? Should I confront my ex? Should I take the high road? By the way, I know she’s trashing me because two of our mutual friends told me and my youngest son did as well.
—Isolated Dad
Dear Isolated Dad,
Parental alienation during a divorce is awful, and my heart goes out to you for having to deal with it firsthand. I’ve seen this play out so many times, and it’s straight up despicable and immature to include children in adult problems. I’m not a family law attorney, but I think you should seek the counsel of one, because you could take her to court over this depending on where you happen to live.
That said, I’m glad you mentioned that you would never resort to these tactics, because it will only hurt you in the long run. You may despise your ex, but if you keep those feelings to yourself (or at least away from your kids), it will help them to manage their new normal in a healthy way. Not to mention, your ex may think she’s winning by dragging you through the mud, but when your kids become adults, they will resent her for treating you this way. Again, I’ve seen this movie so many times before where the trash-talking parent barely has a relationship with their adult kids while the parent who took the high road enjoys a great relationship with them and any grandkids.
I’m not saying you should just sit back and do nothing. You should reassure your kids that you will always love them, be there for them, and support them throughout life. No matter what happens, never stoop to bashing your ex to them, and know that you’ll be rewarded later on for it. Last but not least, you need to privately tell your ex to knock it off, but if she doesn’t, be sure to document everything so if you need to take the legal route, you’ll be prepared.
—Doyin Richards
From: My Teen Warned Me My New Boyfriend Is “Dead Behind the Eyes.” Huh?. (August 29th, 2023).
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Dear Care and Feeding,
My in-laws have always required multiple invitations for any event—dinner at our house, coming to our kids’ concerts/recitals/events, joining us for a trip to the zoo, etc. They decline the first couple offers with answers like “we wouldn’t want to intrude,” “we’re sure you’d enjoy doing that together just as a family,” etc., then will finally accept on the fourth-plus offer, letting us know that they’d very much enjoy doing whatever the invite is for. My husband said it’s how everything was with both sets of grandparents when he was growing up too. They had/have to decline multiple times to make sure that you’re not just offering out of obligation and actually want them to join. I have always found it annoying, but he handled all of it, so it really wasn’t my problem.
Well, my husband unexpectedly passed away six months ago. While keeping them in our lives is important to me, I don’t have the energy to invite my in-laws to everything five times. After they missed a family cookout and a school play in months two-three after his death, my SIL texted me letting me know that her parents had called her and said they were feeling left out and like I didn’t want them around the kids anymore. I spoke to them and told them that I’ve never understood the need to invite/decline multiple times, and I won’t be able to keep it up as my husband did. I told them that I would very much still like them to join us for all the things they previously did, but I would be inviting them to each event only once. If they decline that invitation, I will assume that means they are not available and will not bring it up again, but will maybe send some pictures afterward. If they accept, I will gladly welcome them to join us.
In the months since then, I’ve stuck to that. I’ve invited once, they’ve declined every event, and they’ve only seen their grandkids the one time I asked if we could go over there for dinner because the kids missed them. I want my kids to have a relationship with their grandparents, who are loving and kind, but I don’t want to play games with adults where I essentially end up begging them to join us for every event. What’s my side of the responsibility here? I thought I took care of it by directly addressing them before. Do I need to repeat that to them and tell them I mean it? Do I need to invite them to everything five times despite their objections?
—Just Say Yes If That’s What You Want
Dear Just Say Yes,
Your in-laws’ behavior is incomprehensible, and I would be frustrated, too. I understand that they are grieving as well, and trying to figure out what their relationship with you will be now that your husband has passed. But it boggles the mind that they really expect you to cater to a bizarre wish for repeated invitations when you’re busy caring for your children and all of you are mourning. One invitation should really be enough! Especially if they love and want to be present with and for their grandchildren during a very hard time.
You’re already fulfilling your responsibility—you’re continuing to invite and include them. You’ve told them that they are truly welcome, and you want the kids to spend time with them; you just aren’t able to issue four or five invites every time. They’re the ones who aren’t fulfilling their responsibilities to you and their grandchildren. This weird dynamic is their creation; it’s not your fault.
You could try to address this with them one last time, perhaps turning it into a specific request on behalf of their grandchildren: “You know, the kids really miss you. This has been a terrible time for them. As you know, when we invite you to something, we really want you to be there—it would mean a lot if you would just say yes and show up for them, because they need you.”
If this continues and you really don’t have the energy or the desire to engage with it any longer, you might see if your sister-in-law would be willing to discuss their behavior with them. (I wish she’d done that in the first place, frankly, instead of calling you to say that they felt unwelcome.) She can also remind them that they need to be there for their grandchildren.
Ultimately, the ball is in your in-laws’ court—it’s their choice whether they will be there for your kids. You’re already doing what you can, trying to include them in your lives. I don’t think it is or should be your job to chase them down and insist on it.
—Nicole Chung
From: My Son’s Role in the School Play Makes My Flesh Crawl—but He Loves It. (December 7th, 2023).
Dear Care and Feeding,
My ex-in-laws have always been good to me, and they’re the only living grandparents to my kid. Recently my ex-father-in-law took a fall and has been in and out of the hospital. Because of this, I’ve been around a lot: visiting with my child, dropping off meals, helping my ex-mother-in-law with errands. I knew both of them were disappointed about my divorce from their son, and felt bad for me, but I didn’t know the extent. The more time we spend together, especially with their stress and use of painkillers, the more it comes up. They’re religious, they judge their son for his affair, and think that I must be suffering as a divorced woman.
I wish they would stop talking about it. Because honestly, I am over-the-moon happy with my divorce. It happened three years ago and it’s drastically improved my happiness, my parenting, my sex life, and my work opportunities. He was one of those guys who was fully capable of contributing to household work but just dropped it when our kid was born. It was like having two kids when we only had one baby. We’re on neutral but not really amicable terms now. We have a 50/50 custody split, and actually splitting the child-raising is a dream come true for me.
His parents are on him all the time about not being “one of those divorced dads.” I appreciate the way their advice has helped him be a better co-parent, but I don’t need to be pitied, and I don’t want to tell them that being free of their son changed my life. How do I shut this down and keep it from turning into weird discussions of the ways my ex isn’t great? I just want to keep my child connected to the extended family, and help my otherwise lovely ex-in-laws in this rough time.
—Happier Now
Dear Happier,
Congratulations on finding your way into a better situation by ridding yourself of your husband–slash–second kid. That you’ve managed to maintain a relationship with those in-laws (I guess now they’re out-laws?) is a lovely bonus. Or at least it could be. Right now it seems like it is a little bit of a drag, what with them constantly harping on about your lonely, miserable divorced-lady life.
I agree that it is not worth the trouble it would cause to deliver the unadulterated truth about your actual divorced-lady life (higher salary, clearer skin, getting the D on the regular). But isn’t there some very gentle version of this that might help steer the conversation away from your ex? “Really, Hi and Ed, things are better now, and I’d prefer if we didn’t talk about Hi Jr. so much. That’s not a topic of conversation I enjoy.” Perhaps they’ll think you’re putting on a brave face to mask your desperate sadness, but who cares—probably they’ll shut up about it.
You’re kindhearted to want to help these out-laws, but I just want to remind you that officially, they are not your problem. Their health issues are not your problem, their feelings about their son are not your problem, and their relationship with their son’s child is not your problem. None of those things should primarily have been your problem even when you were married to their son, and they certainly are not now that you’re rid of him! I’m glad that you feel a human bond of friendship with these nice if somewhat judgmental people and that you want to help them out. But when you stop by every few days with your kid to run to the grocery store with your ex-MIL, what is your ex-husband doing? Is he taking any action to help his parents, or foster his child’s relationship with them? I’m not suggesting you quit these people cold turkey. But I am suggesting that you be careful not to let him simply replicate the labor imbalance of your marriage, this time with his own parents.
—Dan Kois
From: My Kindergartner Just Told My Mother-in-Law We’re Going to Put Her to Sleep Like a Dog. Uh …. (December 27th, 2023).
Classic Prudie
My 15-year-old daughter recently came out to me as bisexual, leaning toward liking girls more. I’m fine with it and hope my husband will be too when she feels comfortable talking to him about it. The extended family on both sides will be a mixed bag of reactions and I’m more than willing to be Protective Mom as necessary, but that will come in its own time. My question is: What are the dating rules for her and her girlfriend? She’s very close with her friends who are girls and often has sleepovers at our house and theirs. Her older sister had a boyfriend at the same age and while he spent time at our house, it was only for dinner and TV, not overnight. I think group sleepovers including her girlfriend are OK, but not if she’s the only guest at our house or vice versa. Is this a reasonable limit? I also don’t know what to tell her dad about this rule until she’s ready to talk to him. This is not the dating talk I expected to have so I could use some help.