This is part of Revenge Week, a series about how vengeance runs America, from the White House to cheating spouses to that bad boss who deserved it.
Our advice columnists have heard many stories about revenge over the years—so we’re diving into the Dear Prudence archives to share these classic letters with our readers. Submit your own questions to Prudie here.
Dear Prudence,
About two years ago my then-boyfriend got a job offer at a large, global company for nearly a 40 percent pay raise. He was contractually obliged to give a month’s notice at his old job and during that time I found out he cheated on me, amongst other things. To get back at him I logged into his email (he gave me his password previously) and wrote an email pretending to be him. The email detailed a drunken weekend out using recreational drugs, racist vents about my ex’s then boss, and the last paragraph contained offensive remarks about the HR manager who recruited him. I sent it to the HR manager to make it look like he’d accidentally sent it to her instead of a friend, then deleted the email from his sent account. Naturally the company withdrew the job offer with the excuse that his position was no longer available. My ex was also not permitted to have his old job back, so he spent four months unemployed. To be honest, I feel no guilt over this event considering how much he lied to me, but something keeps nagging at me and I feel like I have to confess it to him. He probably has no idea what happened. Am I morally obliged to tell him, or should I keep it under wraps?
—Confessing to an Ex-Boyfriend
Dear Confessing,
I always appreciate it when I hear from the people who behave horribly (the insanely jealous, the rageaholics) to get their perspective on what it’s like to be the person who damages those around them. So thank you for this letter about your diabolical plot to try to destroy your ex’s career. He cheated on you, which makes him a louse who you should have (and did) broken up with. If in the course of breaking up you broke a few of his plates or his high school football trophy, OK. But being cheated on does not then result in a free pass to try to annihilate his professional life. You say you don’t feel guilty, but obviously you do because what you did justifiably nags at you. Your ex-boyfriend is lucky that your email only resulted in a short period of being out of work. The consequences of what you did could have dogged him for years; his former employer could be providing the kind of reference that sends someone permanently to the bread line.
It will be a very difficult conversation to have, but I think he’s entitled to know why his great job offer was suddenly withdrawn and also be prepared in case this ugly episode re-emerges somehow. So tell him that in your rage at his cheating on you, you hacked his account and sent an inflammatory email to his former HR manager. You don’t have to give chapter and verse of everything you said in the email, but adding an apology would be a good thing to do.
And please, everyone who is in love, keep in mind you can share your body and your soul with your beloved, but sharing your password is not such a good idea.
—Emily Yoffe
From: Type “R” for Revenge. (Aug. 29, 2011).
Dear Prudence,
I was a bully in high school and middle school. I made cruel comments about others’ clothing, cut friends out from our group, and was in general a mean little terror. My stepdad was wealthy and a city council member and I exploited that for popularity (this was in a small Midwestern town). But that same stepdad was mentally and physically abusive to me and my sisters and mom for seven horrific years. In seventh grade, I missed curfew, so he drove me to the middle of a field with my new kitten and forced me to abandon it. That was when he wasn’t using a belt to beat us bloody where nobody could see marks. He convinced us that nobody would believe us, and I internalized that. I was angry that I had to hide so much pain and took it out on everyone else, which I deeply regret.
In junior year, I called the police when he almost killed my mom, but he then shot himself in front of us when the cops arrived. After that, I spent part of senior year with my grandparents and missed a lot of school, but the whole thing was pretty hushed up. I somehow managed to graduate, went to college (and lots of therapy), and have moved away to get my masters degree. As part of my therapy, I wrote handwritten letters to the people who I remembered targeting, explaining my situation at the time and expressing my sincere apologies and desire to be a better person, and also saying that they didn’t have to forgive me or acknowledge the letter. I don’t want to return to that town ever again. But I was recently messaged on Facebook by a woman who I had bullied and had sent a letter to, and she accused me of lying about what I went through and said she “knew the truth: that I was evil deep down, and even if it was true, I deserved it.” She said that she would post the letter all over Facebook and then I would be exposed as a liar. I am terrified by this—my stepdad’s death was explained away as a tragic accident, and my mom and little sisters moved away to escape the memories. Everyone in town loved him, and if my letter is posted, I know my family will be targeted by his friends and neighbors. But I also have wondered if this is just karma for how I behaved, if the terror I feel now reflects how I made her feel then. I caused this woman pain and was horrible, I can’t force her to forgive me. Yet I also am now living in fear that I will wake up to a flood of messages and comments agreeing that we all deserved the abuse or calling me a liar. What should I do? How should I respond? Please help!
—Fearful Former Bully
Dear Fearful,
You have been through some deeply traumatizing experiences, overcome them, taken amazing care of yourself, and worked to undo any harm you caused. It would be such a shame to let this woman’s threatened Facebook campaign against you derail all that progress. In fact, when you think about her threats, I want you to consider how mild they are compared to what you’ve already survived. You are a very strong person. If she manages to rally people against you (and this is a big if—my guess is that most people will see any letter she posts on Facebook and go, “What the hell is this about? Seems messy,” and keeps scrolling), I want you to feel confident that you can handle it. You can sign out of Facebook and continue to focus on your own healing journey, with the help of your therapist. You will be okay. You always have been.
—Jenée Desmond-Harris
From: Help! I Apologized for Bullying a Girl During High School. Now She Wants to Blow Up My Life. (March 13, 2023).
Dear Prudence,
I just found out that my old roommate from a year ago poisoned my dog. Back when we lived together, my dog kept having severe stomach problems off and on for months. I took time off work, took the dog to the vet, and made more expensive visits to the emergency vet. No one could figure out what was wrong. Because I moved out and my dog is no longer getting sick, I figured it was an allergy to our last apartment or something. Then a close mutual friend who was a little tipsy told me that my old roommate would feed him scraps as a way of “getting back at me” when we had disagreements. He knew he was getting my dog sick and wanted to inconvenience me.
I thought he and I were good friends who only had the typical disagreements roommates can have. To this day, he is still very friendly with me. But I am furious! I can’t get back the time I took off work or the thousands of dollars I spent trying to help my dog. Worse yet, the fact he was willing to make my dog so sick without caring about his health is appalling. Is it worth confronting him? If we weren’t still on great terms, I would start beating the war drums. What do I do?
—Poisonous Secret
Dear Secret,
You are not on “great terms” with this guy! He poisoned your dog! Perhaps he pretends to be friendly when he sees you, but that’s not the same thing as being on great or even decent terms. This guy poisoned your dog! You have my permission to yell at him. You might also consider yelling at your tipsy friend who clued you in only after the fact. (It’s possible your mutual friend didn’t know until you’d moved out, but even so, they should have told you right away.) And feel free to warn any other mutual friends who might consider moving in with this guy in the future that he’s liable to kill their pets if they can’t agree on who should roll the trash bins out to the curb. But yes, my God, confront someone who tried to poison your dog; that’s certainly worth having a confrontation over. It doesn’t have to be in person, especially if you’re worried you’d try to take a swing at him and end up in trouble yourself, but this is not something you should just shrug off.
—Danny M. Lavery
From: Help! My Roommate Poisoned My Dog to Get Back at Me. (Nov. 30, 2020).
More Classic Prudie
My father has always been a smart aleck who loves practical jokes and discreetly needling people. My husband has been one of his favorite targets for stupid pranks and comments about his choice in clothing, hairstyle, shoes, or whatever else stands out. For many years, I’ve warned my father that my husband disliked him and that his behavior was causing real animus. It never registered for him until recently, when my husband—whom I had never previously seen angry—lost it completely.